When I asked Facebook friends about whether or not the deceased’s body should “attend” the funeral, Joy Wheland Cole* responded with,
“After kissing my cold, embalmed parents and realizing they weren’t there, I decided cremation was much more helpful in realizing the finality of the death. My husband was cremated and I truly found more comfort in seeing the urn than seeing my parents’ embalmed bodies!!”
Cole raised a key question: what will bring the living comfort? I would add . . .
- What were the wishes of the deceased?
- Do any religious or family traditions influence the decision?
- If a family has conflict about having/not having the body present, what’s the conflict truly about? Tension between the deceased’s second spouse and the stepchildren may have less to do with the body, instead related to an old hurt or a new inheritance.
I could create a longer checklist of questions, but the point is this: communicate! Whatever the living decide about the dead, it’s far better if there were open discussions about dying and death beforehand. That’s easier to suggest than do. Many avoid talking about death, treating it as if it were the plague. We modern humans are strangely superstitious about our mortality. If we mention death, then death will happen! Or we become selectively tongue-tied. If I engage in a chat about having or not having a body, the rest of my family will view me as . . . morbid, insensitive or inappropriate. That list could also lengthen.
But here’s the thing . . . will all of you reading this please raise your hands if you think you’ll avoid dying. Oops, look, everybody’s hand is up. Now put your hands down and talk about what you want. Write down what you want. And if you change your mind, don’t assume your loveable or irksome loved ones will be able to read your mind.
So I’ve made my decision. (Have you?) Cremation please. No viewing of the body, except privately by family if they choose to. I have no insider confirmation of what happens after death. I faithfully believe God’s love is forever, but that doesn’t lead me to anticipate walking through heaven’s pearly gates or strumming a harp at the crest of a cumulous cloud. However, I know I don’t like the notion of embalming and have zero interest in a kind, sensitive, just-want-to-get-paid-enough-to-feed-my-family funeral director dabbing rouge on my cold cheeks or carefully arranging my lifeless hands. But that’s me; I have no idea about you. I simply and firmly believe only two things. 1) You and I will die . . . by accident, mayhem, illness or old age. (That list could also lengthen.) 2) Might as well let people know what you want.
Communicate. Talk. Share. Chat. It’ll be hard. It’ll be weird. Or maybe talking about your wishes will be one of the finest conversations you have. You never know until you do. The healthy and honest sharing done before death means the time of grief after will more likely also be healthy and honest for the living.
(Hospice vigorously protects a patient’s privacy. I’ll take care with how I share my experiences. Any names used are fictitious. Events are combined and/or summarized.)
*Yes, I got Joyce’s permission to quote her!
Image from here. Couldn’t resist adding a still from the ’73 film “Harold and Maude.” It’s one of many movies that entertains the viewer and also nudges one to wonder about relationship, life . . . and death.
Have you heard about the Five Wishes? If not, check out this resource.