Archive for Funerals – Page 2

No Monopoly of Traditions

At a Hmong funeral...

At a Hmong funeral…

My parents didn’t want to have a funeral. They didn’t want an obituary printed or posted. I recall hearing the first inklings of those requests about ten years before Dad’s death, when they approached their 60th wedding anniversary. As Dad’s dementia became more evident in the ensuing years, the “inklings” were fixed in the cement of Mom’s answers to my occasional questions.

No fuss, please. Their remaining friends were old. It would be a burden for them to attend any service. And anyhow, Mom calmly, bluntly added . . . many friends are already dead. One of the few changes that occurred in their later years involved Dad’s willingness to be cremated. Until I was in my thirties, Dad’s rare comments about death emphasized a belief that Christians should be buried. Though he may not have quoted the New Testament to me, at certain points I read passages such as, “For the Lord himself, with a cry of command, with the archangel’s call and with the sound of God’s trumpet, will descend from heaven, and the dead in Christ will rise first.” (I Thessalonians 4:16.) If you’re cremated, Dad figured, how can you “rise” from the dead? But his thoughts, his faith, would shift. Given his sensibilities, maybe he learned it was cheaper to be cremated. More likely, his youthful, literal notions about Biblical mandates evolved into an “all things were possible” view about God . . . that even the cremated would be in line at the pearly gates. Read More →

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Over My Dead Body, Part 3

The infamous Jaguar hearse from "Harold and Maude."

The infamous Jaguar hearse from “Harold and Maude.”

When I asked Facebook friends about whether or not the deceased’s body should “attend” the funeral, Joy Wheland Cole* responded with,

“After kissing my cold, embalmed parents and realizing they weren’t there, I decided cremation was much more helpful in realizing the finality of the death. My husband was cremated and I truly found more comfort in seeing the urn than seeing my parents’ embalmed bodies!!”

Cole raised a key question:  what will bring the living comfort? I would add . . .

  • What were the wishes of the deceased?
  • Do any religious or family traditions influence the decision?
  • If a family has conflict about having/not having the body present, what’s the conflict truly about? Tension between the deceased’s second spouse and the stepchildren may have less to do with the body, instead related to an old hurt or a new inheritance.

I could create a longer checklist of questions, but the point is this:  communicate! Whatever the living decide about the dead, it’s far better if there were open discussions about dying and death beforehand. That’s easier to suggest than do. Many avoid talking about death, treating it as if it were the plague. We modern humans are strangely superstitious about our mortality. If we mention death, then death will happen! Or we become selectively tongue-tied. If I engage in a chat about having or not having a body, the rest of my family will view me as . . . morbid, insensitive or inappropriate. That list could also lengthen.

But here’s the thing . . . will all of you reading this please raise your hands if you think you’ll avoid dying. Oops, look, everybody’s hand is up. Now put your hands down and talk about what you want. Write down what you want. And if you change your mind, don’t assume your loveable or irksome loved ones will be able to read your mind.

So I’ve made my decision. (Have you?) Cremation please. No viewing of the body, except privately by family if they choose to. I have no insider confirmation of what happens after death. I faithfully believe God’s love is forever, but that doesn’t lead me to anticipate walking through heaven’s pearly gates or strumming a harp at the crest of a cumulous cloud. However, I know I don’t like the notion of embalming and have zero interest in a kind, sensitive, just-want-to-get-paid-enough-to-feed-my-family funeral director dabbing rouge on my cold cheeks or carefully arranging my lifeless hands. But that’s me; I have no idea about you. I simply and firmly believe only two things. 1) You and I will die . . . by accident, mayhem, illness or old age. (That list could also lengthen.) 2) Might as well let people know what you want.

Communicate. Talk. Share. Chat. It’ll be hard. It’ll be weird. Or maybe talking about your wishes will be one of the finest conversations you have. You never know until you do. The healthy and honest sharing done before death means the time of grief after will more likely also be healthy and honest for the living.

(Hospice vigorously protects a patient’s privacy. I’ll take care with how I share my experiences. Any names used are fictitious. Events are combined and/or summarized.)


*Yes, I got Joyce’s permission to quote her!

Image from here. Couldn’t resist adding a still from the ’73 film “Harold and Maude.” It’s one of many movies that entertains the viewer and also nudges one to wonder about relationship, life . . . and death.

Have you heard about the Five Wishes? If not, check out this resource.

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Over My Dead Body, Part 2

Unless you follow a faith tradition that doesn’t permit the body to be present, should you include the remains of the deceased at the funeral?

I won’t mince words with my answer:  No.

Frankly I didn’t even consider this question until recently. However, I attended a grief workshop led by the knowledgeable and energetic Alan Wolfelt. He strongly advocated for the presence of the body at a funeral. Wolfelt’s viewpoint challenged my long-held beliefs.

Why have the body?

In today’s American culture, we are youth oriented, even youth obsessed. Hollywood actors aren’t alone as they nip and tuck their ways to a youthful appearance. In order to be the “stars” of their own life, many engage in crash diets, odd exercise regimes and a dose of botox to battle age. But resistance is futile . . . flesh inevitably reveals human limits and mortality.

Grief matters. When a loved one dies, ceremonies encourage emotional reactions to death. While everyone differs in how they handle death and bereavement, physically witnessing the body guarantees a response. It can be too easy to postpone mourning—or more broadly, to avoid all sad feelings—because most prefer non-stop happiness. Death is a miserable time for the living. Viewing a body bluntly invites the grief we mustn’t ignore. Read More →

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